Love You Never Felt
by Just a Mutt
Summary: Haku reflects on his last battle and the new place he is in. But is it heaven? Hell? What is it without Zabuza? Rated T for implied rape and language.


Well, here you go. 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Am I... dead?

The light is bright. It has always been bright in Kirigakure despite the snow and rain, but never as bright as this. Am I in heaven? If I am, it hurts terribly. My heart.

It aches. It aches so much. It aches for him. Did he even care about me? No, he never gave a damn about me. I suppose there are people like that. Cold, emotionless, empty. I just pray to whatever god put me in this horrible place that that emptiness is filled. Without me, he is completely... alone. I hope he found another, just like me. He... I loved him.

"_Zabuza-san..."_ I call out into the blinding white.

He does not answer. I did not expect he would. I always craved affection, but he never granted it. Every night, I cried myself to sleep. I did not cry because of him, I cried because of myself. I was useless. Like a dull kunai, a broken plaything, a sickly soldier. I could never satisfy his needs. I tried again and again, but he never felt the love I gave him.

That was because he never paid attention. I gave him all the love he needed, and he never acknowlaged it. I loved him when I woke up trembling from nightmares, and he did not comfort me. I loved him when he called me a tool, and it hurt me terribly. I even loved him when he ravaged my body again and again, whispering nasty things in my ear that I hope I never to have to repeat to anyone. Then I called out for him to acknowlage my love and return it.

He never answered.

I did not expect he would.

But I do not blame him. There are people like him, there are people like me. He was destined to conquer, to destroy, to use and take advantage of. I was destined to serve, to love, but to never be loved in return. I cannot help thinking that he could have changed that if he wanted to...

Instead he used me. Sometimes, when I was desperate, I tried for affection from other people. I tried to make friends, but...

Zabuza-san would always come and take me away... He never wanted me getting to know other people. He always said it was because ties made you weak when, in reality, they made you stronger. Sometimes I think the real reason was because he became jealous. Although I knew it was merely wishful thinking, it gave me comfort over the cold years.

And then he told me it was time to fight, and fight I did. I tried to kill the boy, but his precious person saved him. If only Zabuza-san would save me when I was near death... The boy cried over his lost precious person--I think his name was Sasuke--but I never informed him that Sasuke was not dead. I made sure to leave him a happy surprise when Zabuza-san was done with their sensei. I tried to keep them alive as long as I could, but Zabuza-san needed my help.

I ran to him, I stood in front of him as the sensei killed me before his very eyes. I turned, giving Zabuza all that I needed to say with one look. He laughed an continued his conversation with the sensei while the life drained from my body. His laugh... It was all I needed to hear before I knew that I was-_am_ worthless. My blood spilled on the bridge.

_"Good job, Haku."_ How I loved those words. They made me feel like I was worth something, though I knew I was not. _"I sure picked up something useful. Giving me this final chance..."_ He then proceeded to try and cut through my body. It did not matter to me, my body was his and his to use, though not in the way I had imagined it all those years ago.

But... the sensei. He... moved me away from Zabuza-san. There was no doubt in my mind that he cared more about me than Zabuza-san did. I felt the sensei close my eyes, and I heard the fox-boy say something before I slipped out of consciousness, out of _life._

What? This place is... snowing? Where are the clouds? Where is the ground it gathers on? Then... Now...

No... It hurts too much. If I could kill myself a second time, and fade away, I would. Curse the god that put me in this place! A life of eternal whiteness and bliss? It was what I always wanted, but it is horrible without _him._

Without _him... _I realize how stupid I sound... He used me... He killed me... Why, then? Why do I continue to love that _bastard?!_

_"Zabuza-san!"_ I call out, desperately. I hate him! I hate him so much!

He made me like this, he made me who I am today! Curse him!

I curl into a ball, choking back sobs I am afraid he'll hear. I sound worse now. Of course I love him. I am just bitter with death, everyone is.

Tears spill out of my eyes and I call out his name one last time, _"Zabuza-san!"_

_"Haku..." _I hear a voice. I recognize it, but I can't place it. Surely it is not the sensei, or the fox-boy, or 'Sasuke', or the girl, or the bridgebuilder? They had each other, they had the power to live. I cry harder when I think of the strong love they all shared.

_"Haku... I'm here." _It comes again, sadly this time. It seemed sympathetic, as if it felt my pain. Who could feel my pain? Who knew what is was _like?!_

The tears continue to stream down my face, I continue to curl into a ball, even as the voice puts it's arms around me. _"Haku, I'm here, I'm sorry."_

Sorry? Who has ever done me wrong? I open my eyes and I look up. I do not recognize the face; I have never seen it before. _"Who...?"_ My own voice trails off as I recognize the hair and the eyes.

He grimaces in pain and buries his head into my shoulder. _"You don't even recognize me? I'm so sorry..."_ He whispers, and I feel wetness on my shoulder. My master has begun crying. I feel happiness that he opens up to me, I feel sadness that he is pained, and I feel suspicious that he is not stripping me of my clothes and taking me.

But I reach out to comfort him. His arms are tight around me, and I put my arms around him. _"Zabuza-san... I..."_ I try to tell him, but even in death I cannot. Instead, I curl closer to him and let him feel my love.

He opens his eyes and looks at me. _"Haku... I was so stupid. I never realized it. I... Love you."_ He whispers in my ear. I am overjoyed to hear those words and not the horrible ones from so long ago. He looks into my eyes and I feel his pain and his love, and he feels mine.

We stand up, and he tilts his head to give me a kiss. I look away, pushing against him. He looks at me with confusion, and I close my eyes, tears running ever harder. I now realize it is impossible. I cannot love him. We cannot be together. _"Zabuza-san... It is too late."_ I say. I turn and walk away, into the never-ending light, leaving my master behind.

I hear muffled sobs behind me, and I know that he is feeling so much pain. He realizes he does not know how valuable his possessions are until he loses them.

I feel guilt, but I keep walking.

_I am free._


End file.
